Jane Austen Month: Review/Watching Experience of Unleashing Mr Darcy (2016)

EDIT: An editing error unfortunately republished this article on 12th July 2018, when in fact it was the first of the December Jane Austen Month posts, originally posted on 1st December 2017. Please read this as part of that series.

WARNING: This film will break me. I just know. This is my first time doing a live action review while watching one of these films. I have never seen this film until now. I just have a certain gut feeling against it. Now, on with the review.

What better way to celebrate the interpretations of the works of one of the greatest female writers, nay, writers in general, than starting this month with a review of this steamy pile of dog poo brought to you by the Hallmark Channel. A steamy pile of dog poo based on the literary classic book, Pride and Prejudice, which is the most famous of the late Miss Austen's novels.

I'm English and live in England, so as far as I know, we don't have any stations that air films from the Hallmark Channel. The film is also sadly unavailable for me to spend money on, as it isn't available in Region 2 DVD format. Therefore, I had no choice but to hunt this down online, (where it may or may not be available on the most popular video website of all time, where it might possibly have over one million views). I don't know much about the Hallmark Channel, except that it seems to be the Mills and Boon of television. Even the title seems like a funny attempt at a weak Pride and Prejudice erotica. My curiosity and high hopes for cringe-induced laughter are set, and thus begins the film watching experience.

Unleashing Mr Darcy contains many terrible actors. Yes, I'm going straight into that without giving you a synopsis of the film because a) I'm watching this film as I write this, so I'm just recording my live thoughts. b) It's based on Pride and Prejudice. If you don't already know that story, then I'll guide you through it within this review in a bit, and c) the acting is REALLY bad, but not in the fun Tommy Wisseau kind of way. The lead actress in this is okay at best, but she's the best out of a bad bunch. Everyone seems to be just saying their lines with no emotional attachment to them whatsoever, unless they are the bad guys. The bad guys in this film practically twirl invisible moustaches and wring their hands throughout in a dastardly way that makes me cringe (but not in the fun way I anticipated). I wish that there was at least one so-bad-it's-glorious performance, but they are all shallow, bland people who each seemed to believe they were a wonderful star. The only gleam in their eye that an audience might mistake for a glimpse of personality was their eyes lighting up at the prospect of a cheque at the end of this mess.

I'm ready to switch this off about six minutes in, but I'll stay for two reasons. The first was that I hoped I could get at least a semi-decent review out of this. The second reason was the dogs in this film.

I take back what I said about the female lead being the best actress here. Every dog in this film instantly becomes a better actor than any of their human counterparts could hope to be, but even they looked ashamed to be on set most of the time.

Our main dog is Bliss, a King Charles Spaniel. She is a very tame and pretty dog who is loved very much by her owner, our supposed protagonist Elizabeth Scott (generic name alert). She is the most unconvincing teacher I have ever seen in a film. I thought she was teaching an all girls class, but there is in fact one male student who is the school's best lacrosse player. This fact apparently matters because the boy is failing his class (and by "boy" I mean twenty-something pretending to be in high school, like with most American films and shows) and if he fails, he will be kicked off of the lacrosse team.

Ooh. Such drama already.

The boy's rich daddy comes in to inform Elizabeth that he is very rich and tries to bribe her into giving his son passing grades. Elizabeth stands by her morals and turns down the money. I feel like this scene would have been very hard for the actress playing Elizabeth to do, because it means she would have had to have tried to understand what it is like to have morals, which you clearly don't when making a film called "Unleashing Mr Darcy." Perhaps I'm being harsh on her though. Maybe she was just a nice, wannabe actress just trying to do her job and improve her day by meeting some kind dogs. Anyway, Elizabeth gets suspended from her job because rich daddy guy complained about her to the school. Suspending her seems like a very high over-reaction, but plot convenience I suppose.

But good ol' Elizabeth Scott won't be brought down by anyone. No. She has other things to keep her focused, like telling her mum that she is happy single and to stop trying to set her up with people. In all seriousness though, she does have this dog competition with Bliss coming up. She doesn't talk about hoping to win or anything, she just enjoys it. Also, it is happening on her birthday. Does this matter? Probably not. Let's keep going.

The day of the dog show arrives and Elizabeth is happy. A myserious new judge is in town though and people seem worried about him. Not Elizabeth though. She's just happy to be in the competition, as stated before. She ruins Bliss' start at the competition though by making them both late for her entry. She knocks into Donovan Darcy, that mysterious new judge I mentioned earlier. I'm just going to refer to him as Donovan. That way I can picture this:

...instead of Austen's Fitzwilliam Darcy. Makes for a very slightly more amusing viewing experience for me. That's Donovan from The Inbetweeners by the way, in case you don't get the joke. But then, I tend to be the only person who laughs at my jokes. Hold on a moment though. Donovan's first name in The Inbetweeners is Mark. Mark is also the first name of Mr Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary, the most well known and acclaimed modern day adaptation of Pride and Prejudice of all time. Therefore, Donovan is Darcy after all. Darn Unleashed Mr Darcy and it's unintentional logic!

"Fine eyes, shame about the freckles" Donovan says, *pause while Elizabeth self-consciously touches her face* "I was talking about the dog." Vomit. Vomit everywhere from me. Well I'm done with this film and we're only ten minutes in out of the one hour and twenty-three minutes waste of my life that this is. I hope you enjoyed this review, and FINE I'LL KEEP WATCHING BUT ONLY FOR THE DOGS.

I will say now that if a dog dies for the sake of romance in this trash, I'm going to shit a brick, then find the screenwriter for this film and whack them across the head with that brick. On with the review.

After that ghastly display, Elizabeth goes back to her friends. "You did awesome! Or at least, Bliss did." One of them says to her. My sentiments exactly, lady. Elizabeth then has a bit of a moan about that terrible new judge Donovan, but her friends basically respond with "Yeah, he seems like a bit of a bastard, but he's hot so it's okay."

I just have to share with you now the absurd amount of comments beneath the YouTube trailer for this film posted by people who want to know who the actor who plays Donovan is because he is apparently very, very attractive. One commenter even wished he played Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey films. Um, why? The same lack of charm?

The ghastly smouldering one above is more apt for this, but I thought I would be fair and present what I think is a "nice" image of the guy. The actors name is Ryan Paevey. Yes, I knew you would want to know. I also know that most of you won't care that the person playing Elizabeth is Cindy Busby because of the "nice" image I've inserted below here:

Anyway, the contestants are lined up to hear the results. Bliss and Elizabeth don't win. It's okay though, because they are the reserve winners.

I have no clue what this means either, but the characters seem happy about it, so yay! Celebration! Now her friend Gabrielle and her sister Jenna can give her an actual birthday celebration instead of just being at the dog show.

So they take her to a booth in a bar where they drink and put a glittery pink hat on her. There's cake, so it's not terrible. Bliss isn't there, but Elizabeth is still wearing the prize ribbon. Why? We don't know.

To the films credit, the girls talk about dog competitions at this gathering, so we know that it officially passed the Bechdel test, if nothing else (although I'm going to ruin this moment of praise to declare that I have faults with this test, but those are to be shared another day). Gabrielle offers her a job as a dog handler, but Elizabeth turns it down because she is hopeful to return to teaching soon.

Alas, this complete distraction from men can only mean one thing.

Guess who makes an entrance?

Why Donovan, that's who! And he's very nice. His bratty little sister comes over and teases him for neglecting her, to which Elizabeth responds in a surprisingly bitchy way.

Donovan and his sister depart and Jenna rightly calls Elizabeth out for her behaviour.

Elizabeth's mum then enters and loudly declares how her newly thirty-year old daughter is very, very single which catches Donovan's attention as he watches the scene from his table.

I have written over 2000 words at this point and we are only thirteen minutes into the film. Why can't my assignments flows like this (maybe because they're actually somewhat good compared to this awful ramble, but still). In fact, why aren't I doing assignments right now for my uni classes? Why am I spending my free time on this? Elizabeth's mother is making me wonder why I'm still single too, but why would I be wanting to spend my free time trying to make a romantic connection with someone when I could be home, alone, watching UNLEASHING MR DARCY?!?

Thirteen minutes into this film and I am breaking. I have got to stop recording things with such detail. We'll play a game: I watch the film for ten minutes straight without writing anything, then let's see if I remember anything that happens, or if I don't get mad.

One minute has passed and I'm back! Elizabeth has been fired from her job because rich villain guy from the start of the film told the school board that Elizabeth tried to ask him for money in return for increasing his sons grade. Coincidentally, his rich villain wife is a member of the school board and so it was voted for Elizabeth to be sacked. Rich villain man and wife, a tip from me to you. Why not just pay for a tutor for your kid? If you aren't interested in you lacrosse star son, then fine. You don't have to be there when he gets tutored. At the very least, some tutoring might teach him how to act a bit better. Jokes aside, this feels like such an unnecessary plot point. Elizabeth asks if she can say goodbye to her students. As she leaves the school with teary eyes, she calls Gabrielle and asks if she still has an available job opening for her as a dog handler.

Cut to Elizabeth getting out of a yellow taxi with Bliss as she arrives happily in New York.

Wow Elizabeth, that job loss and betrayal hit you really hard, didn't it?

Also, Elizabeth says "Come on Bliss" but then you see her carrying the dog out of the car. Why would you tell the dog to "come on" if you're already carrying her?

As Elizabeth picks up her bags from the taxi, she sees a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, whom she stoops down to pet. But you simply won't believe who is holding the canines leash.

It turns out Donovan has a second home in this neighbourhood, which he uses when he is doing business. Elizabeth then proceeds to criticise him for being rich.

"Are you always this hostile?" Donovan asks her. "Sorry. We just seem to rub each other the wrong way." Elizabeth says.

No Elizabeth, you just become a horrible person when you interact with this character.

Donovan reveals that the dog he is with is the father to a new litter of puppies. Repeat: our male lead has puppies.

This film may finally have struck a chord with me.

Not with Elizabeth though, which seems odd. Instead, she feels betrayed and curious as to why Gabrielle didn't tell her that Donovan lives opposite her.

Gabrielle suggests there is a spark between them, which Elizabeth readily denies.

"He looked so far down his nose at me, it must have given him vertigo." Elizabeth says.

Yes Elizabeth, he was looking down at you. He was looking down at you because you were on the floor, fussing his dog, you daft-

The doorbell rings. It is Donovan's little sister Zara, who invites Gabrielle and Elizabeth over to see the puppies.

Zara and Gabrielle seem to be on good terms, which confused me for a moment as it made me wonder why they hadn't been this way together at the restaurant on Elizabeth's birthday. I had to rewind and was reminded that Gabrielle has been conveniently excused from that scene to fetch more wine.

The next day, Elizabeth and Gabrielle go over to Donovan's house. Linus, Dononvan's manservant, (I don't know his official job title, but I'm sure this is close enough), answers the door and apologises for Donovan's absence. They are still welcome to see the puppies though.

Now, I don't want to be negative about puppies, (this film is turning me into a monster), but these are nearly full grown dogs. I love full grown dogs, but when you say puppies, I expect tiny little balls of fluff that still aren't toilet trained but love to play. Puppies. Also, some of them don't even look the same age as each other.

Donovan's aunt Violet is there, and like Darcy's aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Pride and Prejudice, she takes an immediate dislike to Elizabeth. She is there with her friend Felicity, a young woman who takes on the role of the cousin Darcy was supposed to marry in the books, in the eyes of Lady Catherine. They've made it less incestuous at least.

Zara arrives and shortly exits with Felicty so that they can work on Zara's history homework together. When they're gone, Violet reveals how Felicity should be marrying Donovan soon.

Elizabeth and Gabrielle leave, with the former insisting more than ever that Donovan isn't interested in her.

Elizabeth later takes Bliss on a "walk", with quotation marks around the word because Elizabeth has the annoying habit of carrying Bliss everywhere. Now, I wish I could lift up my dog. It would certainly make it easier to lift him into the car on days out. However, a dog is a dog. It wants to walk. Let it do so. Simples *meerkat noise*

Elizabeth spots Donovan walking down the street and rushed to hide. As Donovan arrives home, he politely wishes Elizabeth a good evening before going inside. He seems to be charmed by the fact she was trying to blank him and hide.

Anyway, Jenna arrives to surprise Elizabeth. The pair go with Gabrielle to a dog show where Elizabeth is an official dog handler for the first time. Poor Bliss gets left at home.

Nonetheless, Violet, Felicity and Zara are also at the show because Dononvan is a judge for it. It is revealed that Zara doesn't seem to like either Felicity or her aunt Violet very much, but she likes Elizabeth very much. Why any of this is, is currently unknown.

When Jenna takes her dog up to be judged, she meets Donovan as he judges her, along with a trainee judge called Bingley, who only appears in this scene. This is such a bizarre choice because Bingley was Darcy's best friend in the novel and all of the other adaptations I have seen at the present. More bizarre is the introduction to Henry Robson, who takes on the Bingley like role in this adaptation, so why not give him that surname? He asks Jenna on a date (officially making them the Bingley and Jane in this story) but soon gets dragged off by Felicity, who has now taken on the dual characters of Anne de Bourgh and Caroline Bingley in Pride and Prejudice. To the films credit (it shocks me that I've started more than one sentence with that now), it actually makes a lot of sense to combine these characters and I'm surprised I haven't seen it done before, seeing as they are both hopeful to marry Darcy in the book and it is somewhat easier to only have one character wanting to be with Darcy to create conflict rather than two.

The judges make their decision, and Elizabeth actually does win in this competition. Gabrielle is the reserve winner this time, (which I assume is the same thing as winning second place). The winner and reserve winner celebrate in a park with Jenna, who soon leaves to go on her date. Elizabeth opens a letter, in which she learns she is going to be sued by villain rich guy for supposedly spreading lies about him. She goes off to walk with Bliss to clear her thoughts. BUT GUESS WHO ARRIVES WITH HIS DOG? That Donovan and Elizabeth, what a pair. If only they could plan their meetings with each other.

That won't happen though because Elizabeth is still mean to Donovan for being rich, assuming he is like evil villain rich guy, who made her lose her job. Donovan isn't exactly perfect in the situation either though.

'Are you crying?' He asks flatly, but he almost seems to be smirking.

'No. I'm not crying. I don't cry. Why would you think I was crying? I'm not crying.' Elizabeth says, walking away while crying.

Some stuff happens. Jenna had a good date with Bingley-who's-called-Henry-here and she asks Felicity outright if she is engaged to Donovan, which she isn't. Elizabeth helps Zara with her homework, and learns that Donovan apparently lights up when he talks with her, compared to Felicity who makes him yawn. Bear in mind, Zara has only ever seen Dononvan and Elizabeth talk once.

After returning Zara home and giving Donovan her usual glare, she returns to Gabrielle's home where she has been staying. Gabrielle explains how when Donovan was twenty-one and Zara was five, their parents died in a boating accident. His aunt Violet wanted to raise her and it would have been easier for him to pass Zara over to other relatives, but he chose to raise Zara himself, even though that meant giving up the freedom men of that age usually have.

Elizabeth clearly has a new respect for Donovan after this. Hopefully it will mean she might actually be nice to him for one whole scene, but in the meantime she just feels guilty for all those times she criticised him for being rich and supposedly having no problems. Good. I'm surprised she didn't roll her eyes at the "boating accident" death, and say it was bad karma for their wealth.

Gabrielle arranges for Donovan and Elizabeth to be in the dog salon on the same day unknowingly. The pair soon realise what has happened, but finally Elizabeth apologises for her behaviour and tells Donovan how she admires him for raising Zara. Low and behold, some forced attraction is put upon the characters as their actors attempt to make them flirt. It is an uncomfortable yet laughable experience. One of the dogs, a small terrier, runs out to them after having a bath and shakes itself. The pair shield themselves, laughing and Elizabeth begins to pat Donovan dry with a towel, saying he is now a mess.

This is awkwardly funny firstly because it's a small dog. If it shook, it would only get water up to the midway point of your thighs at best, and no higher. Secondly, the pair both look completely fine and unaffected by the wet pooch, so it just looks like Elizabeth has just made herself an excuse to rub Donovan with a towel. Which is what she has done. They part ways on positive terms.

Drama ensues when Violet goes to argue with Gabrielle at her house about how there is a front page article (yes, really) of the local newspaper with Donovan and Elizabeth photographed dabbing each other with towels after the dog shaking the day prior. The headline suggests that Donovan's non existent engagement might be over, which causes Violet to threaten Elizabeth to stay away from Donovan. When Violet exits, Elizabeth despairs that if the press start to try and find out about who she is, she may never get to teach again.

Another dog competition happens. Donovan is the judge, Elizabeth is the winner. Nothing new, although she insults him yet again and gets away with it. Also, the other judges are wary of Elizabeth and Donovan's connection after the recent newspaper scandal. Elizabeth is still allowed to be the winner of the latest competition on the condition that she doesn't compete again while Donovan is a judge. Sadly, Donovan is a judge for the next three competitions, so Elizabeth agrees she can no longer be the dog handler.

After this bit of upset, her friend Gabrielle reveals not only did she set Elizabeth and Donovan up together at the dog parlour that day, but it was her who called the newspapers as an act of revenge against Violet.

Elizabeth handles this ridiculously well, especially when you consider how she can get upset over any little thing Donovan does or says. She thanks Gabrielle for her teaching her more about the dog handling world and plans to return to her home city where she will work in her mothers Bridal shop.

We see Elizabeth standing outside Gabrielle's place, carrying Bliss yet again, because God forbid that dog might actually use her legs. Donovan appears and apologises for the situation, which Elizabeth reluctantly admits wasn't his fault. He then asks to talk to her in the room of an art collector friend of his who happens to own a picture of Queen Victoria and her dog Dash, a King Charles Spaniel just like Bliss and Donovan's dogs. The film also opened with her teaching her class about Queen Victoria and Dash. Elizabeth is only too happy to go along, simply to see the painting. 'You know them?' Donovan asks her, like he's found out they like the same Indie band. It's very forced, so at least it matches the rest of the films tone.

The pair talk and Donovan offers Elizabeth a job looking after his dogs and puppies while he, Zara and Linus the manservant are away for a week. Elizabeth is hesitant, but agrees. An awkward transition shows the pair now at Donovan's home without explanation. Elizabeth sees a photo of Donovan and Zara from years ago, with their then living parents (an obvious comment to say they're alive in the photo, but it would make for a much more interesting film if Donovan just kept a photo of his parents dead bodies around). They talk about that and then they talk about Felicity, which leads to a conversation about love.

Donovan suggests it is best to marry someone who is well suited to you, not someone you are passionately in love with.

Elizabeth says that Donovan and Felicity are well suited and then excuses herself.

'Bliss is probably wondering why I haven't taken her out for a walk yet.' She says.

Because the highlight of Bliss' day is being carried around in the open air, rather than actually walking or being played with I'm sure.

Elizabeth ends up staying with Gabrielle again, but she goes and visits the puppies for a few hours each day. One day, Jenna begs Elizabeth to go with her to a charity ball Henry has invited her too. Henry has apparently approved of Elizabeth's third-wheeling, so Elizabeth joins the happy couple at the estate, which belongs to- I won't even pretend like you might not know who owns the place at this point. Of course it's Donovan. Shirtless, just-emerged-from-an-outdoor-swimming-pool Donovan, as we first see him in this place.

Zara is there. Felicity is there. Violet is there. Elizabeth denies knowing it was one of Donovan's homes, but Henry and Jenna seem surprised that she didn't know. Elizabeth prepares to leave, but Donovan tells her he wants her to stay, so she does.

Donovan plays a game of tennis, which he wins and Zara tricks Elizabeth into being the one who hands him the trophy. Felicity confronts Elizabeth about her behaviour with Donovan, during which she reveals her true colours and calls Zara a spoiled girl. Felicity then says that Elizabeth deserves everything that's coming to her, leaving Elizabeth worried.

At the ball, Elizabeth tells Jenna what happened, and she suggests that Elizabeth tells Donovan about the situation, but only after the party. When Jenna goes off to meet Henry's friends for the first time, Donovan approaches the now solitary Elizabeth and offers her a glass of champagne. I consider it an achievement in Elizabeth's character that she didn't ask how much the bottle cost just so she could criticise that little bit of wealth.

Donovan, meanwhile, apparently likes Elizabeth in her ballgown.

'You take my breath away.'

'You said it like you meant it.' Elizabeth blushes.

No he didn't. He said it as if he were playing the title role in a film called Unleashing Mr Monotone.

He asks her to dance just in time to move to the beat of the terrible pop song that plays.

Meanwhile, Felicity and Violet arrange for villain rich guy to be at the ball and he frightens Elizabeth. Donovan finds out it was Felicity and Violet who arranged for him to be there, so he kisses Elizabeth in front of the entire party just to clarify that he and Felicity are not engaged, nor will they ever be. I would like to point out that it is Henry who is the one who actually defends Elizabeth properly and gets security to take evil villain rich guy out of the building. Why do bad rom-coms always have side characters who are better people than the main couple we are supposed to be rooting for?

Anyway, Elizabeth and Donovan kiss. He stays as blank in emotion after the kiss as he did before. At least he has a conventionally decent face I suppose? Elizabeth excuses herself from the party after Donovan makes Violet and Felicity leave as punishment for bringing the bad guy to the party. Cut to her and Jenna discussing the kiss. Elizabeth denies a spark, but Jenna insists everyone saw their igniting chemistry (I'll assume she wasn't including the audience). Jenna leaves to fetch some food for Elizabeth, but she overhears Donovan and Henry discussing the kiss, just as she had done with Elizabeth moments ago. Henry also claims the pair had a remarkable, romantic moment, but Donovan says he only kissed Elizabeth so that his Aunt Violet would leave him alone. Jenna runs to tell Elizabeth, and as the pair prepare to leave Donovan's mansion, Donovan runs out to confess his love to Elizabeth. She leaves, not believing him.

The sisters say goodbye to Gabrielle and head back to their city, but only once Gabrielle has passed on a letter from Donovan to Elizabeth. After Jenna's insistence, Elizabeth reads the letter. We never get to see or hear the contents of the letter, all we know is that Donovan REALLY loves her. Elizabeth ignores this until she sees how in love Henry is with Jenna. I just presume this made her jealous and so Donovan is her rebound hope for a shot of love, hopefully making it so her sister won't marry before her. She leaves Donovan a series of voicemail messages, in which she cries, tells him he wrote her a beautiful letter and also she loves him.

Needless to say, there seems to be a wee lack of development there.

Elizabeth moves back in with Gabrielle because she hopes to bump into Donovan, but never does. Zara is never mentioned again either by the way. It's never revealed if Donovan learned of Felicity's true opinion of the girl. Doesn't matter too much though.

Elizabeth enters a dog competition with Bliss, where Gabrielle says Donovan isn't listed as a judge. It's okay though, because Elizabeth has Bliss to love and be loved back by, as the pooch licks Elizabeth's mouth twice before the competition begins. As much as I love dogs, letting them lick your mouth is even worse to me than the carrying, and I really dislike the carrying. When Elizabeth and Bliss go to approach the judge, Elizabeth manages to be surprised that it is Donovan who is the judge after all. It's exhausting how many "surprise" reveals this character has. Anyway, they confess love for one another, kiss (Elizabeth's freshly dog-licked mouth and all), film ends, thank God.

So, it's finally over. This film was only eighty-three minutes long, but felt longer. The acting was bad and frequently embarrassing, the cinematography was weak, I didn't notice if there was a score, the direction was bland and the writing had all of the qualities I described for the other elements of this film so far. Especially bad parts were the under-using of some very keen dog actors and the constant "reveals" of Donovan to a scene, rather than just have him be there with other people knowing. It wouldn't have made the film more boring to do that.

I cracked at around the forty-five minute mark, I would say. By this I mean, I began to laugh and enjoy the film-watching experience. I don't know why. Perhaps I was just feeling very lonely, but then so must have the one million plus other people who have watched this film on YouTube. Good grief.

THE SCOREBOARD

Chick Flick Check List Elements: 1, 5, 16, 18, 22, 26, 29 (plus by 10 points), 36, 37, 38, 41, 42, 50, 52, 54, 57, 58, 59, 60.

Total: 29

Is this really a chick flick or will men like it too? Regretfully, it's a chick flick.

Would I recommend this film? No, not even as a so bad it's good film. I only laughed at parts out of bored desperation.

Favourite quote: "I was upset about other reasons." - Elizabeth, who proves to make no sense throughout the entire running time.

Film rating: 2/10