Review/watching experience of Love on a Leash (2011)

Recently, I was lucky enough to see Wes Anderson's Isle of Dogs at my local cinema. It is a beautiful piece for every human sense to encounter. It's funny, intelligent, thought-provoking and emotional. That's only the script I'm writing about there.

The artistry of the animation is outstanding. It is clear that a lot of love and effort was put into that film.

I would love to talk more in depth about it, but alas, it isn't a chick flick and therefore does not qualify for this blog. Fear not though, dear reader. I have decided to try and hunt down a dog-related chick flick. We've already had the gem that is Unleashing Mr Darcy here. If you read that critique, then you may have a vague idea of the quality of the film you are about to read about. Only this time, it is so much worse.

Let me begin to watch and relay for you now, Love on a Leash.

I have decided to review this film in the same fashion I wrote about Unleashing Mr Darcy, and write about the film as I'm viewing it. Here goes:

Let me just say that like Unleashing Mr Darcy, this film might be available for your free viewing on a highly popular online video service. I hope you find it, whether to watch alone or alongside this review. I have a feeling it will be worth your time.

I have not seen this film all the way through before, but I've watched the first half an hour, I think. All I remember is that the protagonist loves the colour green to a sickening degree and the dog is a horrible being. Maybe true love will be their mutual redemption.

So the film (directed by Fen Tian) begins with different location shots before landing on a golden retriever at a park by a river. The dog trots along, and looks relatively happy to be running around freely. This is instantly ruined when a voice-over speaking on behalf of the dog makes his presence known by delivering dialogue. He moans about the lack of women (actual women, not lady dogs) before encountering a man who stops and strokes him, to which the dog responds "Ew, get off me man. I'm not gay."

Dear readers, meet our male lead! Isn't he just a darling?

The poor naive golden retriever continues to be dubbed by the horrible actor with even more horrible lines. The dogs narrator continues to moan about how no women want him because he is a dog. He visits a waterfall, which is given an odd but laughable glitter effect. This and the fact that the waterfall can talk reveals it is a magical waterfall. The waterfall tells the dog to find a girl who will love him. The dog suddenly thinks that this is going to be easy, and walks to what appears to be different park.

There are two girls sunbathing in swimming costumes (yes, in a park for some reason. I presume they thought that the sound quality of the sea at a beach would be harder to improve in editing, but it's still very poor here). One of the girls is Lisa, who wears a green one piece swimsuit and is our protagonist, played by Jana Camp. The other girl doesn't have a name yet, but is a black woman and wears a pink bikini. The film wants you to know right away that she is a bit of a floozy in comparison to good ol' white-skinned Lisa, which is also told through dialogue.

Pink bikini girl's first line of dialogue is "Oh Lisa, check out those guys over there, they're hot." She then criticises Lisa for saving her virginity for the right guy. The dog comes over and instantly fancies pink bikini girl, but when she goes off to talk to human men, he decides that he will try for Lisa, who is praying -actually on her knees praying- that a great guy will come along soon.

The dog runs off and gets muddy in a ploy to get Lisa to come and want to clean him up. He waits for her at a local petrol station in this state. How did he even know she was going to drive to that petrol station?

Now is a good time to reveal a fun fact about this film, except for the part where it isn't a fun fact and more of a nitpick, (also, calling it a "film" is already a wee bit of a stretch, I won't lie). Love on a Leash doesn't have a score. It doesn't even have a public domain track playing in the background at any point. Every scene just transitions along either with background noise or the clips are muted, so it's just awkward silence. But fear not, once the dog has been picked up by Lisa in her car, he sings a (yes, unaccompanied) song. Here are the lyrics:

"I'm a dog driving in a car, I'm going to her house, we're gonna go far. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaAHHH."

Absolute poetry to my ears.

Lisa puts the dog in her bathtub, strips back down into her swimsuit (the film credited her enough to put a shirt and jeans over it while she was driving) and gets in the bath with him to wash him, which the dog responds to with orgasm noises. Lisa is awkwardly dubbed for some reason, with the line: "You're clean, now you can go," and she just releases him back onto the street. How is that ANYONE'S response? Surely you would take him to a vet or a rescue shelter? Lisa's response seems more like:

"May as well clean this muddy dog I found with dog shampoo I just so happen to own, despite having no pets myself. You're clean, NOW GET OUTTA MY HOUSE YA STRAY VERMIN."

Don't feel bad though. As the dog leaves, he sings that he will be back.

Cut to Lisa at her work in a clothes shop. The cut takes us to a low angle shot of a woman trying to squeeze her big bum into a skirt. A fart sound effect also occurs at the end of this shot. No music, but at least they were able to fit that noise in somehow.

Lisa tells the woman she is too big for the dress or skirt. The woman is outraged and a male co-worker (potentially Lisa's boss? It's too early to tell) takes over. This gives Lisa the chance to talk to Kyle, a nice Asian guy who asks her on a date that night.

Lisa goes home to find the dog on her porch. She says something to it, but it's muted for some reason. She looks surprised to see him.

She holds up the dogs paw, which has some fake blood rubbed onto it. "I cut myself shaving", the dog says. Lisa bandages the dog's paw, and then tells him to get out as she wants to get ready for her date. The dog ignores her and stays to watch her change. This exchange happens as Lisa stands in her bra:

Lisa: What are you looking at?

Dog: Not much.

Ahh, they are so going to be in love by the end of this film. Shame the poster makes it so predictable.

I hope, dear reader, you can understand my sarcasm. Apparently sarcasm is harder to understand on the page than from the spoken word.

Also:

Lisa and the dog in Lisa's bedroom. Proof of all the green!

It doesn't make sense to me why they chose green as her colour. If she's a virgin, (and openly so by the films standards), surely white should be her colour? Green is earthy - the dog spends a lot of time outside - this is the only connection I can make.

We're only 7:51 minutes into this 1:25:55 film by the way. I'm exhausted.

Lisa sees that the dog can answer a phone and pick up clothes in his mouth (which she decides is him choosing her date outfit). She suggests that they be roommates, to which the dog thinks "Great, you can pay the rent and I will sniff my butt!" This use of self-awareness is... good? By the way, the humans can't understand what the dog says, so he gets away with being this rude idiot, otherwise I would think he would have been given the Old Yeller treatment by now.

Lisa goes on her date, which lasts for two whole camera shots. The next morning, Lisa and pink bikini girl (who turns out to love pink as much as Lisa loves green) have a phone call about the date. Pink bikini girl says that they need to go shopping if Lisa wants to keep Kyle interested. Lisa leaves the dog, but she tells him that she has decided to name him Prince. The dog doesn't like this, and reveals in my favourite bit of dialogue that "I already have a name. My name is Alvin Flang."

Sorry to any Alvin Flang's out there, but what kind of name is that?

Also, I skipped ahead a bit. Sorry for spoiling it so soon, but this is the dog in human form:

My name is ALVIN FLANG

You know what? I take it back. This guy could definitely be an Alvin Flang.

Lisa decides to take Alvin Flang (who sadly for the sake of film continuity, I must call Prince) shopping with her. There's a terrible bit of dubbing over Lisa as she points to a dress she likes. The dub voice jokes to Prince that she's not having the dress unless he can afford to buy it. Prince responds with "I'd rather kill myself."

I have developed two theories here:

1) The director saw someone attempting stand up comedy in a club and although she was the only person with this opinion, she thought it was hilarious and cast the guy as Prince's voice.

2) The editor felt awkward about compiling a load of clips together into this film without music. To break up some of the silence, he decided to jump in as Prince's voice to both try and save the film as well as try his hand comedy, a long suppressed dream.

Either way, what we get is an uncomfortable lot of either offensive, unlikable or downright unfunny humour.

Lisa and Prince go into the clothes shop. Prince starts picking up items of clothing with his dog drool mouth. For some reason, people applaud this and a talent agent gives Prince his card, as he thinks Prince could make him a lot of money for some reason.

Lisa is an okay looking woman. She has some charm, but not enough I think, to justify the amount of men drooling over her in the film.In the next scene where she is at work, Lisa has her creepy boss leering at her and giving her a "sexy" dress to wear "for the sake of the customers". Then a different creepy guy stalks her from behind the clothes hangers in the shop, and buys an outfit for "his wife" (i.e. he has clearly bought the outfit for Lisa).

Lisa is then at home, where her white friend in all pink (why do Lisa's friends all wear pink and desperately want her to have sex?) has come to visit her. She gives Lisa the two gift bags that Lisa gave the creepy guy earlier when he bought that outfit for his wife. It turns out that this guy is called Frank, and thanks to the white lady in pink with the unusual accent, he has fallen in love with Lisa at first sight. Cue Prince, who bemoans "Frank? Not another one." Except his microphone drops, so it sounds more like "Frank? Not another wa-"

Now Lisa is torn between the two guys, though passionate about neither. She decides she must date both. Prince worries that if she marries one, he will never be human again. Also, it is revealed in this scene that Lisa has a really weird bed. It's shaped like a tear drop I think. I have never seen a bed like it. It doesn't look comfortable.

After a sped up sequence that leads to nothing and nowhere, Lisa calls her mum for advice about the two men. The mum tells her she shouldn't just be dating two men, but at least four or five at once. Lisa hangs up and then stares at photos of the two men (which I suppose she just has on her by sheer luck, as she only met Frank once). I understand that this scene takes place at night, but I don't understand why it needs to be quite so dark. Even just putting a lamp on would help with the look of the scene a little bit. Lisa asks Prince what he thinks of the men, and he eats the photos which actually made me smirk a little in the way I think this film intended.

Lisa has a date with Frank, who has an oddly close relationship with his snob mother. The snob mother makes Frank leave the room so that she can talk to Lisa about becoming Frank's sons stepmother.

Oh my God, this is amazing. So, Frank's snobby mother wants Lisa to be a good enough person to raise her ten year old grandson, who according to her, is destined to become President of the United State of America. This was my first real laugh out loud moment. This kid is apparently so special, that Lisa would not be allowed to have any children of her own, and would have to have her tubes tied before she married Frank, if they did marry. This is so shocking and just funny coming from a little old lady who is supposed to look middle class, and almost would in a stereotypical way if it weren't for the 1980's dress she was wearing.

Mother of the future U.S. President according to this film

Kyle asks Lisa out, and her best friend, the black girl comes over to help her. She finally reveals her name about twenty minutes into this film with the line "Paula's in the house!" which I'm pretty sure no one has ever said unless they were remarkably obnoxious. "Donald Trump's in the house!" Yes, that works. Prince bites Paula for touching his face and Lisa kicks him out onto the streets again.

Kyle compliments a frankly ugly painting of an old lady and a kitten Lisa has on her wall. He then sits her down and proposes to her. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to quote the actual dialogue again because this is too much to explain:

Kyle "Will you marry me? No, don't get me wrong. It would be in name only. After we're married, you'll still be free to date whoever you want. No, I mean, you can sleep with anyone you like. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not physically attracted to you. No, I'm sorry. What I mean is I'm not attracted to any woman. All my relationships are with men."

Kyle is gay, but has a traditional family who want him to marry and have a son. He promises to give Lisa any luxury -diamonds and furs included- she desires if they married. Lisa refuses him, saying that she cannot deny herself true love and hopes that he believes in it too. This might be a dramatic scene, except it is shot from a side angle of the two characters where we can see Kyle's who head but only Lisa's nose or forehead, maybe an eye occasionally.

Finally, it pans over to Lisa as Kyle kisses the top of her head and leaves.

The next scene shows a drunk Lisa. Her creepy boss, who somehow looks like a low budget Bryan Cranston, stumbles into her home demanding to have sex with Lisa as his wife will no longer have sex with him and hookers are too expensive (almost the actual quote there). He tries to rape her, but Prince bursts in and saves her as he utters the questionable line "Back off, she's mine!"

"Get off of her!" would have sufficed.

There is a growling sound effect playing to imply that Prince is attacking Lisa's boss (the dog is rarely shown to interact with this human in fact). The boss runs away as Prince yells after him: "You will be a CHIHUAHUA!"

This film just gets better and better.

Before leaving for good, the boss yells at Lisa that she's fired, which Lisa responds to with "I QUIT", which is performed in an oddly funny kind of way, despite trying to be serious. I don't know, she looks a bit like a toddler having a fit, which is horrible to say after a potential rape scene, but... she just looks funny. Then she starts to cry and Prince starts singing about how he is king of this castle, but also a dog who lives in a house and it's green. Just paraphrasing there.

After crying into a pillow and just repeating to herself "Kyle gay! Kyle gay!", Lisa overdoses on pills. Prince runs away and plays dead in the road so that a man stops his car. Prince takes him to Lisa's flat, where she is picked up by an ambulance. Prince is now apparently homeless again, and sings about living on the street and how it hurts his feet to walk on the hot ground.

Lisa is released from hospital and is fine again? This suicide attempt is forgotten very hastily. Lisa's mental health is never questioned again. This would be awful in a studio produced film, but it is admittedly somewhat expected here. Lisa goes home and calls out for Prince, who is missing. She picks up an umbrella to go outside in the rain, only to throw away the umbrella (actually physically throw it away from herself) for some reason. It appeared to be fully functioning. Maybe it's because they forgot to put the fake rain in that scene.

She runs to what looks like a park, where she finds Prince in the fake rain. She hugs him, thanking him for saving her life and vows never again to have men in her life, only him. Prince's voice over yells "SHEEBANG!" and Prince is transformed into his naked human form. Alvin Flang in his full glory, played by Annese Khamo.

Prince explains who he is, and it is instantly noticeable that this guy is not the same person to provide Prince's thoughts as a dog. This guy is softer and kinder, more rational. He explains that in his former life, he was a playboy cursed to be a dog as punishment.

Aren't dogs notorious for humping things? Sorry, but surely being a dog would be a playboys dream, if he was as extreme with the amount of sex he was having as being cursed to punish him for it would imply?

They go back to Lisa's house. After an awkward silent montage of Prince looking himself in the bathroom and examining his human form in the mirror (backside included), he and Lisa are in bed together. Yes, the man Lisa knew as her pet dog until half an hour ago is now going to be the one she loses her virginity to. There's a remarkably awkward sequence of Prince unbuttoning Lisa's shirt while she squeals with discomfort. Indeed, they both look deeply uncomfortable.

Prince switches out the light. We hear Lisa moaning, but we also hear human Prince saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry". At least it's realistic on the pleasure of the first time for most people.

The next morning, Prince is a dog again. The pair are devastated and Prince runs back to that fountain at the start of the film, who he blames. The fountain says that Prince will only get his human form for good when he truly loves her, but for now he is using her. Therefore, he will only be human at night or when the sun is covered by clouds. He is a dog whenever the sun comes out.

Don't worry Lisa, I have a solution for you and Prince. Move to England! It's always cloudy here. Yes, I means your guy will never learn his lesson, but at least he will be human. That's what matters, right?

Or better yet, just keep Prince inside Lisa's house forever. That place is always poorly lit.

The pair interact for the first time with Prince as a dog, since he became human. That was harder to write than I had anticipated. He calls her 'honey'. Lisa kind of ignores him as a dog until he becomes her muscular nude blonde man again, at which point she is all over him.

This film has slightly less than an hour to go, what else is there? Just make him human for good already!

The pair try to work out the balance between Prince being human and Prince being a dog. At one point, Lisa puts a collar on him as a human. A bit of an odd kink, even without the partner-who-is-dog-by-day. Which brings to this plea:

Lisa, please don't have sex with him as a dog. This film is currently charming in it's weird, awfulness. Please don't become fully weird and awful.

Oh, apparently they're married now. They refer to being one another's husband and wife. There was a scene with Lisa in a veil, but that was right after the kinky collar thing. I don't know anymore.

Right, I'm going to have to wrap this thing up. The novelty has worn away, right alongside the existence of a plot. Earlier, the plot was Lisa's love life and Prince wanting to be a human. Now it's just a series of events and challenges for them, without any meaning. The characters aren't strong enough to carry a film simply based on their personalities or charm because those things are lacking. Prince (in dog form) makes an advert for dog food with that talent agent he met in the shop earlier on, as he is wanting to support Lisa financially, as a husband should according to him.

Lisa seems angry or irritated with Prince (who still goes by Prince in human form and never reveals he is actually called Alvin Flang) in either of his forms. She also falls out with Paula, who is hurt that she lied about still being a virgin and keeping her boyfriend a secret. Lisa reacts like the whiny, unlikable human she has become.

Lisa's other pink clad friend comes to visit her at home to try and set her up with the father of the future president again, but Lisa says she is not interested in dating. Paula knows about Prince now, why can't Rita? I know it's hard to work out when he might or might not be a dog, but surely it's got a rain a couple of times a year in this town? She can then introduce Prince, lifting a weight from her shoulders, and whenever she sees them again, if he's being a dog, she can just say "Oh, he's at work/shopping/at the cinema/locked away watching porn", any excuse really. Just let them know he exists.

For some reason, after this scene with Rita, there is a shot of Prince saying a one liner, then it cuts to Rita arriving at the shop where Lisa works (which looks suspiciously like the one she quit working at earlier). Funnily though, this scene begins with Rita meeting Lisa by clothes hangers, to which Lisa says "Rita! You should have come earlier because I'm getting ready to close." However, by the word "You", the shot has changed to Rita sitting on a stool in a changing room, with Lisa entering it carrying a dress, a completely different setting to where it started. Did Lisa just go silent after saying her friends name and then only resume speaking once she was sitting down in the changing room?

If I was friends with Rita, I would punch her in the face. That means she might not be my friend though.

I could say the same about Lisa actually. The pair go and have dinner with Lisa's mother.

Oh goodness, Lisa now has three guys fighting over her and not one of them is Prince! What is this? Margot Robbie probably has less guys fighting over her than Lisa does. Oh wait, it turns out Rita paid for the guys to approach her. Lisa finally admits to them that she is dating Prince, and they all have dinner together the next day in the most uncomfortable, passionless scene I have ever witnessed. It is funny to watch them all raise and lower their forks to eat at the exact same time as they eat though. Not the most natural family dinner.

Speaking of being natural, Lisa's mother and Rita force Lisa and Prince to meet at a courthouse the next morning to marry. They get angry at Lisa when Prince doesn't show up, when in fact he has (morning = dog). Rita tricks Lisa into leaving her alone with Prince one night, who runs away at what is pitch black night time. A horrible sped up sequence shows him running away into the middle of the day and shutting himself inside a public bathroom, just as his tail has come through. Rita reaches him and opens the door, only to have dog Prince run away.

Rita confronts Lisa, who tells Rita to get out of her life. Rita says she will go and that her mother will never speak to her again either. That's genuinely horrible and also, completely senseless.

What kind of mother chooses their friend over their child?

With all of her friends and mother gone, Lisa decides she wants a child. Prince, who is ironically the voice of reason in this film now, sees that this is a terrible idea and admits he is worried any children he might have would carry the same curse as him. Lisa cries about this too. Lisa just cries or moans at Prince now or yells at everyone. She's so miserable, why is she in this relationship? Prince is giving a lot more to it than she is. Yes, I am now defending Alvin Flang.

He goes to meet her boss (a new one since she left her old work by the way, not creepy rip-off Bryan Cranston) on what is supposed to be a cloudy day (it's clearly sunny), but then the film acknowledges the sun and he turns into a dog. If they were both fighting to make it work and be happy, I would be more compassionate for them as a pair, but they both seem so unhappy in each scene. Speaking of:

The pair cry together about their situation, after the previously mentioned scene. Prince leaves her a note on green paper and leaves forever, going to his talking fountain. Prince realises how much he loves Lisa, and wants to work out their problems. He runs back to her, just as she is running to him but then Prince gets hit by a car and dies. My love of dogs aside, the dog actor in this is actually excellent. He is well trained and doesn't get distracted during a scene like other dogs.

However, this film still has eight minutes to go.

Lisa vows never to love again, as Prince was the only man/dog she has ever loved. Years pass.

Paula and Lisa are reunited, as old ladies apparently. They have grey streaks in their hair, but no drawn on wrinkles. Paula had a ton of kids and grandchildren apparently, but Lisa stayed true to her word and became a spinster, self punishment for never fully accepting Prince in his true form. It seems she didn't allow herself to have friends for all this time either.

Do you guys remember Kyle? He was a sweetheart, one of the few nice people in the film. I know there was a whole "You can't accept I have to pretend to be straight" thing, but Lisa seems happy with him, even platonically. Surely Kyle might have allowed himself in his old age to finally come into his own? Why didn't she ever try to befriend him again, once they'd had some time apart?

For some reason, she is waiting for Prince to come back to her as an old man, but Paula makes her see that he would be years younger than them, if he did come back, because he would have been reborn.

In a bit of a reveal failure, Prince does come back eventually, with brown hair now for some reason. He still loves old lady Lisa, so much that he now becomes an old man too, thanks to some CGI glitter.

The pair marry (or at least, stand in a muted shot of them making out with Prince in a tuxedo and Lisa in a green tinted wedding dress). More CG glitter happens and makes them young. They continue to kiss in this terribly muted scene and then the film ends.

Love on a Leash. What a journey this has been. I really don't know how to sum it all up. So much didn't make sense and was pointless, which doesn't even include plot alone. Every aspect of this film leads to confusion, due to many spots of incompetence.

Yet, in an unusual way, I could actually see this film working with a stronger script, and stronger - everything, really. It's truly bizarre and ridiculous, but there's something about it that doesn't seem like a failure. There's a good variation of sets and locations. The characters, while terrible caricatures of something, are usually acted out well for the most part. The script is lackluster, but the situation of Prince going between human and dog forms is considered with reasonable care and though the plot weakens, the storytelling remains competent. The dog actor who played Prince (called Tikki, and he gets third highest billing after Lisa and human Prince, which is actually nice to see), is well trained and handled.

In the meantime, I would recommend that everybody sees at least the first half an hour of this film. That section is the best bit, a true contender for a so bad it's good icon in the future. Watch it with friends, family or alone, just be ready to embrace Love on a Leash for exactly what it is.

THE SCOREBOARD

Chick Flick Check List Elements: 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 13, 17, 18, 19, 22, 23, 31, 32, 37 (half a point - dogs run around a lot, so it makes sense for Prince to be a bit muscular), 38, 39, 40, 48, 50, 52, 53, 56, 58, 60.

Total: 26 - this film has many elements of a chick flick.

Is this really a chick flick or will men like it too? If you know a guy who enjoys "so bad, it's good" films then maybe he'll like this. However, this is in no way a typical girls night-in film.

Would I recommend this film? We live in a time where so many great films are being unnecessarily remade. I think it's time Hollywood considered remaking some underdog (no pun intended) films, and I would recommend this one for suggestion.

Favourite quote: (obviously) "My name is ALVIN FLANG."

Film rating: 4/10