Christmas 2020 Reviews: Day 11 - Snowmance (2017)

Well, this was horrible.

The only film to date directed by Douglas Mitchell, Snowmance follows Sarah (played by Ashley Newbrough) a woman who is in love with the snowman she and her best friend Nick (Adam Hurtig) build each year, because the snowman, called Cole, is based on her ideal man.

Yes, this is a real film plot that came from someone's actual mind.

When an attractive and seemingly perfect man named Cole (Jesse Hutch) enters Sarah's life, Nick isn't so happy about it. Could it be that he was the perfect man Sarah's been looking for all this time?

In short, no. Everyone in this film is an awful idiot and I hate all of it.

The main problem I have with this film is the relationship between Nick and Sarah, and in particular, how Nick handles that relationship. You see, Nick has been in love with Sarah since they were children. Despite knowing each other for twenty-odd years, during which there most definitely would be periods when they were both single at the same time, Nick has never felt that there has never been a right time to ask Sarah out on a date. Apparently they dated for one week during school, but this led to an epic showdown at their prom, according to a side character.

We never learn about what this "epic showdown" entailed, how it affected their friendship (if at all) and what it was even about, so this fact feels completely pointless.

When I review a film, I like to write notes throughout. Some of my notes for this film review included "Nick is a toxic arsehole", "Nick is the worst", and "Nick and Sarah are both mentally unstable idiots". As you may be able to deduce, I was not a fan of our male lead. He's a bitter BETA male who has put himself into the friendzone, and feels like a victim over it. He is awful when he talks about anyone Sarah dates or has dated, and is whiny without doing anything to improve his situation. He thinks he can't ask her out because of their friendship, but because he only seems to be hanging around in the hopes that she will love him one day, that doesn't make him a real friend. It makes him a self-entitled arsehole. Good grief man, you've known her for over twenty years. Ask her on a date. Maybe she would have said yes, but if she had rejected you, then you could have actually just moved on with your life. I have no sympathy for him or his situation, he made it worse for himself over the years and seems to blame our female lead for not waking up and seeing what a grand ol' guy he is. He was horrible. Unfortunately, Hurtig was equally unappealing in this role, and did nothing to make Nick bearable.

My one positive note about him was that he co-built Santa Jaws, by far and away my favourite aspect of this film:

Santa Jaws is the Christmas hero we need right now, even if he somewhat resembles a slug.

Nick's relationship with Sarah, and years of snowman building together is shown in a montage similar to that in the beginning of the Netflix teen film The Kissing Booth. This similarity stuck with me, when I saw how Nick is like Lee, the controlling best friend of the female lead in that film. This character truly does not sit right with me. I wish I could move on from talking about him, but there's still the rest of the film to review.

While Nick is a terrible character, that doesn't mean the others are any better. Sarah is ridiculously naïve in her romantic expectations of men (which I is supposed to be part of her character arc, but she's still a fully grown adult: there should be a little credibility there) and is largely forgettable. She also seems very inept at her job, leaving to go on dates in the middle of the day, but somehow this works out and becomes part of her job assignment. Why are people in made for TV films given opportunities like this? It's remarkably irritating, because it's so untrue to real life. I laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of her getting a promotion at the end of the film, I hate it.

Cole is our other male lead, and yep, he's about as toxic as Nick, but in different ways. This film very much wants us to believe that he is the perfect, romantic man, but so many of his actions came across as creepy. He's incredibly forward during their first meeting, and it just felt off to me. They agree to meet for lunch that same day, and he arrives to pick her up in a horse and carriage. Perhaps it's the cynical singleton in me speaking, but if a man I had just met that day, and had only shared one average conversation with beforehand showed up in a horse and carriage to take me out, alarm bells screaming "Stranger danger!" would be blaring through my mind. They then agree to go on another date that same night, which feels a wee bit desperate.

Cole also seems quite dominating when it comes to spending time with Sarah, brushing Nick aside frequently. Cole always calls Nick "little guy" for absolutely no reason -I'm pretty sure Nick is the same height or taller than Cole- and while I dislike Nick intensely, I find this very grating. It's not okay for a date to disrespect your friends, even if your friends are Nick. There are other issues with Cole, such as him saying he grew up in Sarah's neighbourhood and always wanted to know what her house was like inside, but doesn't know about the local holiday traditions. It's uncomfortable. Nick always calls him out on these behaviours, and if he wasn't such a butthurt "nice guy", I might appreciate him more for it.

It's never even revealed to us if Cole actually is Sarah's snowman brought to life. It's lightly implied at the end, but it makes no sense. Cole has a career, and talks a lot about the places he's travelled to. While I am fully aware that snow has to travel as it falls to the ground, Cole speaks about these places in such detail, that it doesn't make sense for him to have not properly gone to those places.

I think the idea was supposed to be that he was sent there to bring Sarah and Nick together as a couple, because he is okay with her choosing Nick instead of him at the end. It doesn't feel like that's what he did though, because of how much he undermined Nick every time they were in a scene together.

Having said all that, there are a couple of minor details about Cole's character -presuming he is a snowman really- that work quite nicely. There's a scene where he's served cooked carrots and he freaks out about it. Better still, there's a scene where Nick knocks over a snowman, and Cole starts screaming at him for "murdering Hank". Nice ideas, but only on the brink of something that could have been a lot more creative and thoughtful.

There's also the fact that everyone here is a terrible actor. Just really bad. Everyone felt fake, like they forgot what being an actual human being was like while the cameras were rolling. Sarah's dad (Tom Anniko) is probably the best one here, and he has a nice speech about how love is deeper than a fiery, passionate feeling for someone, but that's about it.

There's a prominent female side character, who is a bit annoying, but clearly trying her best. They try far too hard to make her quirky though. She's very Canadian, to the point that she seems to be bordering on a somewhat offensive stereotype at times, but then I found out that this was a Canadian production, so I'm very confused. As part of her quirkiness, this character also has an obsession with with beef jerky, and I have no idea why this is a thing. Is it supposed to make her charming, or funny, or odd? I have no clue.

I hate that this is a film about adults, supposedly made for adults, yet it seems to have been made for children aged three, going by the overall production. The score for this film is obnoxious and inappropriate. There's a scene where Sarah is having a meeting with her boss, and this quirky, upbeat instrumental plays over it. It doesn't fit at all, and just makes the production value feel even cheaper. They even do the record scratch effect to halt a romantic theme playing during a scene between Nick and Sarah when Cole interrupts them. Is this really supposed to be a film for fully grown individuals? How many Christmas films with record scratch sound effects must I endure, and why am I choosing to endure them?

The production value feels low, even for a made for TV film. There's a scene where Nick is showing Sarah a selfie he took of them together on an iPad, and it's clearly a paper picture stuck on top of the iPad screen. I suppose they couldn't work out how to get a shot of an iPad screen without the camera filming it being reflected on the screen, or something.

It. Is. So. Bad.

Worst of all, this doesn't even feel like a Christmas film. There are some Christmassy things in the background, and Sarah's bedroom is oddly Christmas heavy for any adult or child, but no one ever talks about the actual festive season (hence the lack of Christmas in my "Christmas Quote of the Film" quote below). I suppose I'm kind of glad in a way. It would have been upsetting to hear what pandering message this waste of an hour and a half had to say about my favourite holiday. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to fully articulate how awful this film was. I want people to understand, but I don't want anyone to see this. This was a waste of my time, it would be a waste of yours to watch it, and I highly recommend you avoid this the way children want to avoid coal in their stockings.

THE SCOREBOARD

Would I recommend this film? No

Christmas quote of the film: "I want you to be sure that what you're feeling is more than romance." - Sarah's dad.

Film rating: 1/10